Winning manifesto policies from Mark's 2009 tour


VenueDatePolicy
Tricycle Theatre, London02/10/2009To allow asylum seekers to work. Close down tax havens...bomb Switzerland.
Tricycle Theatre, London01/10/2009To introduce a Tobin tax on currency transactions
Tricycle Theatre, London30/09/2009To include a 'none of the above' box on the ballot paper and that vote to be counted as a cast vote. Troops out of Afghanistan. Prosecute Blair for war crimes. Give Jerusalem back to the Palestinians.
Tricycle Theatre, London29/09/2009MPs should not be paid salaries but loans, like students MPs often get highly paid jobs on leaving Parliament, as a result of having attended Parliament. Thus when they get a highly paid non exec directorship they should pay their loan back.
Tricycle Theatre, London28/09/2009There should be a public referendum before going to war.
Tricycle Theatre, London26/09/2009Models should be selected at random from the electoral register.
Tricycle Theatre, London25/09/20091.Boris Johnson should abide by his election pledge and fund London rape crisis centres the £740,000 he promised. 2. Any Mp who votes to go to war should fight in it, in the front line.
Tricycle Theatre, London24/09/2009All politicians should be forced to wear the names and logos of the companies that sponsor them or with whom they have financial links.
Tricycle Theatre, London23/09/20091. CEO's convicted for fraud should be forced to dress as pirates in whatever job they get in the future. 2. To amend the EU working time directive to give Wednesday afternoon off for all workers to play 'games'.
Tricycle Theatre, London22/09/2009100% of tips left in restaurants should go to the staff, not used by the owners to boost wages that are under the minimum wage. Restaurants found to be doing this will be fined a percentage of profits which will be shared by staff.
Tricycle Theatre, London21/09/20091. To introduce a maximum wage 2. Crisp manufacturers should fill the packets to the top- no extra charge.
Tricycle Theatre, London19/09/2009To introduce a prohibition of deception act that makes it illegal for MPs to knowingly lie.
Tricycle Theatre, London18/09/20091.To establish a national holiday celebrating the Evolutionary Theory. 2. Anyone who opposes immigration into this country should be barred from traveling abroad.
Arts Centre, Swindon15/09/20091. That every CEO of any company can only earn 3 times the lowest paid salary in the company.
Arts Centre, Swindon14/09/2009To randomly arm OAPS with guns.
Greenwich Theatre, London, Greenwich10/09/20091. The whole cabinet should be on the front line in any war they declare or join in on. 2. A sabbatical (paid) for every employee in continuous employment for 7 years.
Pillar Room, Cheltenham09/09/2009To encourage local economy widen the River Severn at the mouth, flooding Gloucester admittedly but turning Cheltenham into a seaside town and increasing tourism.
The Wedgewood Rooms, Southsea08/09/20093 policies: The next G20 to be held in Somerstown. Live goats to be released into the House of Commons floor (no more than 4), MPs must NOT acknowledge the existence of the goats. An annual point scoring system for MPs which impacts their annual salary. Each MP starts with minimum wage for a 37.5 hour week, they can lose or gain salary through their actions. Eg, Attending meeting with constituent add £50, get a result for constituent add £250, pretend to support premiership football team lose £15 grand.
Phoenix, Exeter07/09/2009Nationalise Tesco and anyone buying a second home in Devon or Cornwall should buy a third home for someone who does lives there.
The Stand, Edinburgh18/08/2009To adopt an opt out system for organ donation which operates on assumed consent unless you opt out and decline to donate your organs upon your death.
The Stand, Edinburgh17/08/2009All MPs 2nd homes are to become state property at the end of the MPs "career" (2nd home = the one closest to Westminster)
The Stand, Edinburgh16/08/2009To fine supermarkets (especially Tesco's) for every gram of excess packaging they use.
The Stand, Edinburgh15/08/2009To have a national bring and buy or swap every Tuesday. When it starts working we start swapping with other countries until everyone is involved and we don't need money.
The Stand, Edinburgh14/08/2009To enable those out of work to volunteer and take part in community work. Volunteer gains skills. training opportunities as well as keeping their brain going and community benefits.
The Stand, Edinburgh13/08/2009Instead of being able to vote you should be able to 'unvote', so instead of voting for a party you can opt to vote against your least favourite. Every 'unvote' against a party cancels out a vote for them.
The Stand, Edinburgh11/08/20091.) Be rid of the the house of Lords 2.) All public transport nationalised
The Stand, Edinburgh10/08/2009Require the Daily Mail to print the following on every front page: "This is a fictional representation of the news. Any resemblance to real life is purely coincidental."
The Stand, Edinburgh09/08/2009To introduce MP loans. A natural progression from student loans. The idea is you get a good job after Uni therefore you repay your education. When MPs leave politics and land nice lucrative "jobs" and deals they should repay their salaries.
The Stand, Edinburgh08/08/2009To introduce a national maximum wage.
The Stand, Edinburgh07/08/2009The government to give everyone the day off on their birthday.
The Stand, Edinburgh06/08/20091.) To change the law on assisted suicide so that the state and religion don't deny people the most basic human right to decide how to die. 2.) To abolish 'breach of the peace' in Scottish common law.
The Stand, Edinburgh05/08/2009A three day weekend (although technically it was a four day week for five days pay- with a paid Friday off).
Radisson SAS Hotel, Galway18/07/2009Legalise homosexual marriage and get the church to shut up about it. Local County Council meetings to be filmed and put on web. Create a maximum wage. Land instead of dole. No new blasphemy legislation (or anyone who can see the Virgin mary in a tree stump should be sued under it). IRA honour guard for Thatcher's funeral. Support women taking irish government to court for safe and legal abortion. Get rid of Shell from Erris Co. Mayo.
Latitude Festival, Southwold17/07/20091. Kids policy - Make clothes out of cheese. 2. Festival Policy - stop searching bags and confiscating water as folk come into the arena 3. Manifesto policy - Free public transport (More to follow)
Maltings Theatre, Berwick Upon Tweed16/07/2009The introduction of the prohibition of deception law, making it illegal for MPs to knowingly lie. It shall be known as Archer's law.
Assembly Rooms, Derby15/07/2009Policy 1. To create 'fuck it days' where people are legally allowed once a month to phone in work and say they can't be arsed to come in. Policy 2. Tesco (and other supermarkets) have to pay for the regeneration of local high street shops that go under as a result of them opening.
The Brindley, Runcorn14/07/20092 policies were chosen: (1) We should be able to cast a vote against a political party rather than for them, each vote is deducted from their total "for" votes. (2) Private health companies that use NHS trained staff, doctors, nurses, clinicians, etc. should pay a levy worth 25% of the staff pay to the NHS to reimburse them for the training costs and help with training in the future.
Harrogate Theatre, Harrogate13/07/2009Anyone who supports ID cards should be banned from having curtains.
Brewery Arts Centre, Kendal09/07/2009No one should be allowed a 2nd home until everyone has a 1st home.
Theatr Brycheiniog, Brecon08/07/2009Police to wear "How can I help ?" and "How am I policing ? Phone 999" badges.
Sherman, Cardiff07/07/2009Two policies. 1.If Charles Windsor/Lower Slough is to remain "Prince of Wales" he must live on "the Gurnos" in Merthyr Tydfil. 2. Any company using call centers outside of UK must publish in sterling what they pay their workers.
Sherman, Cardiff06/07/2009Anyone found guilty of homophobic hate crime has to serve their sentence in drag.
South Street, Reading02/07/2009MPs speaking in Parliament must wear a tabard similar to those on "I"m a celebrity get me out of here." However, instead of phone numbers the tabard should be covered in the names and logos of any companies and individuals with whom the MP has a financial interest.
South Street, Reading01/07/2009Any MP who votes to go to war should fight in it in a front line battalion. It as also voted that one member of the audience demonstrate on this policy in Parliament Square, that nominated person was Chris.
Trinity Theatre, Tunbridge Wells30/06/2009No selective schools, so all children attend their nearest school and everyone has an interest in making them good schools.
Komedia, Bath25/06/2009To introduce a three day weekend and a three day bank holiday on everyones birthday.
Drill Hall, Lincoln24/06/2009There were two policies adopted. Begin the building of council houses again. All police assigned to demonstrations should be chipped so we know where they are and what they might be doing. It would also help if they got lost.
Arc Theatre, Stockton on Tees23/06/2009The Daily Mail should have to declare on the masthead "The newspaper that supported Hitler!"
Playhouse, Norwich22/06/20093 policies. 1.Directors and CEOs of banks receiving state bail out are to be barred for life from being a company director.2.Max 2 terms of office for PM (though if they have a sex change they can stand again). 3. Chicken roundabouts for Norfolk
Arts Centre, Bridport18/06/2009There should be a referendum asking "Do you want 25 Trident missiles or do you want everyone in the UK to have an extra £750 in their pocket?"
Komedia, Brighton17/06/2009No private schools, so everyone has to go through the same system and perhaps then people would have a greater interest in improving it.
Komedia, Brighton16/06/2009Because it is so safe police officers are themselves tasered each time they taser a member of the public.
Lemon Tree, Aberdeen15/06/2009Whenever there is a huge barney in the House of Commons, the Benny Hill theme tune should be played.
Queens Theatre, Barnstaple12/06/2009All products should have the cost price (the cost of manufacturing the product) included on the label i.e. This pint cost us 2p to produce our price to you is £2.50.
Town Hall, Cheltenham10/06/2009Jack Straw to release the minutes of the lead up to the Iraq war. His reason for not doing so was that by releasing them he would "compromise the integrity of the government." Now they have compromised their own integrity there is no reason not to release
The Castle, Wellingborough09/06/2009Any company with offshore subsidiaries should publish these accounts along with their onshore accounts. (latest news)
Town Hall, Birmingham08/06/2009We should build 100,000 council houses a year.
Dancehouse, Manchester04/06/2009There should be separate lanes for pedestrians based on the speeds they walk at. Ranging from a fast lane for people who know where they are going to a hard shoulder for window shoppers.
Dancehouse, Manchester03/06/2009All product labels to state the age of the person who made the product and display a picture of the working conditions the product was made in.
Dancehouse, Manchester02/06/2009Two policies were selected: There should be an age of consent of 16 for all religion. Introduce a recall of MPs so if 10% of constituents sign a petition to recall the MP they have to stand again.
Memorial Hall, Sheffield01/06/2009Nationalise the railways. Paying compensation where there is a proven need (though it is highly unlikely that there would be a legitimate case) and keep Sheffield Station bridge open to the public.
Cornerstone, Didcot27/05/2009All BNP members should be forced to trace their ancestry and publish the results.
West Wing, Slough26/05/2009That Windsor be renamed Lower Slough.
Artrix, Bromsgrove25/05/2009Two policies were voted in: MPs should have no other jobs other than MP. We should change our voting system to proportional representation.
Tobacco Factory, Bristol22/05/2009Two policies were chosen. More council houses. Higher business rates for bigger businesses to give independent small businesses a break .
Tobacco Factory, Bristol21/05/2009Those who object to funding renewable energy to sign up to use "dirty fuel" (coal, oil, gas and nuclear) with a tariff increase of 4p per unit of electricity (approx 18p currently), the revenue will fund renewable development.
The Y, Leicester20/05/2009MPs who have received expenses for their second homes should have open days for the public.
The Y, Leicester19/05/2009Those who peddle homeopathic remedies should only receive homeopathic medicines when they have major illnesses.
Warwick Arts Centre, Coventry18/05/2009To introduce a Tobin Tax on currency transactions.
Warwick Arts Centre, Coventry17/05/2009Hospital car parking should be free for patients,visitors and staff.
Arts Centre, Colchester14/05/2009On the voting card there should be a box that says "None of the above."
The Lights, Andover12/05/2009If MPs want a second job in order to gain a greater understanding of life outside of government, then the constituents should be able to vote and choose which job they think would best expand their MPs horizons. Non exec or prison inmate plaything...
Playhouse, Nottingham11/05/2009Anyone in favour of banning immigration should sign a register and they will be banned from traveling abroad.
Truck Theatre, Hull10/05/2009Two policies were voted in: That the Humber Bridge toll be abolished. That we introduce a three day weekend.
Corn Exchange, Newbury08/05/2009OCD sufferers should be employed as cleaners in the NHS, to get rid of MRSA.
Cathedral Quarter Arts Festival, Belfast06/05/2009Two policies were chosen: That the 1967 Abortion Act should be introduced to Northern Ireland. That there should be a ban on people walking in their pajamas outside of their home.
Brewhouse Theatre, Taunton05/05/2009Anyone buying a second home in Somerset has to buy a house of equal value for someone who actually lives in Somerset. This house is to be built on a golf course.
Phoenix, Exeter04/05/2009Party political manifestos should be legally binding
Parr Hall, Warrington01/05/2009Introduce a USA style 1st Amendment, to protect free speech.
Arts Centre, Darlington30/04/2009Institute the "Sky test" on benefit claimants. So if you suck on the teat of Murdoch no benefits for you.
The Stables, Milton Keynes29/04/2009To replace organ donor cards with an opt out scheme. It will automatically be assumed that people consent to donating their organs on death and those who do not wish to do so should carry a card or sign a register to indicate their wishes.
Hazlitt Theatre, Maidstone28/04/2009We should protect NHS whistleblowers rather than have them struck off.
Huntingdon Hall, Worcester27/04/2009Any property/plot of land that remains derelict/unused for more than 5 years becomes public property and can be used for social housing, allotments etc
Playhouse, Norwich24/04/2009Halls of Residence (similar to university campus) at Westminster. Any MPs needing to stay in London stay there-then make way for the next one when they get voted out.
Gulbenkian, Canterbury23/04/2009That all MPs expenses be published weekly in the local constituency newspaper and constituents get to vote as to whether they are passed or not.
The Point, Eastleigh22/04/2009The introduction of a maximum wage.
The Junction, Cambridge21/04/2009Nationalise Tesco!...Once this is achieved a beehive should be placed in each store.
The Junction, Cambridge20/04/2009To create a measure for politicians performance along the lines of school SATS.
Lawrence Batley, Huddersfield27/03/2009Margaret Thatcher should pay for her own funeral. (latest news)